Jill and Mom

This is dated 9-4-1997 Mom, something I wrote I thought I would share. For some reason while writing this I thought of you. Remember Mom never feel there is no hope left we all have our good Moments and our bad ones. The most important thing is never stop believing.

I love you Mom. Love,Jill,more and most, always and forever.

There Is

I have to believe in dreams
and that wishes do come true
I have to believe that there is hope
and that life goes on even when
the pain is too much too bear
I have to believe in promises, even the ones
that have been broken, were meant to be true
I have to believe that after the emptiness
comes joy.
I have to hold on to my dreams
I have to look for beauty and wonder
and know that magic is still alive...
I have to believe that if I didn't believe
that being isn't where I would be
But most important of all Mom
it is your love for me
that keeps me believing in me

All My Love , Jill

Missing You"

"Last Night Mom"
I just wanted you to know I crept into your room last night.
I kissed you on your forehead, then your cheek, I gently touched your lips.
I could feel your hand on mine.
It was so quiet I could hear your heart-beating.
I snuck into your mind and found that I played a big part of your life.
I just sat there on your bed Mom. I watched you as you slept, I wept
I always hold you so very close to me; my friend, my Mom.
I laid down beside you and hugged you as I whispered in your ear "I love
you Mom".
Deep down I knew I had nothing to fear, because you were so close to me.
I whispered wake up Mom, please wake up, and see that I am here with you
"and just for a Moment I could actually hear you say" I love you too
Jill more than words can say."
I cried though nobody heard me. Because I miss you so very much.
I wished that I could stay with you. But Mom, again tonight feel for me
because I will rise above the star to be with you.
Even though I am not there right now you are still my favorite person in
the world.
No one or nothing will ever separate us in my heart, in my dreams or
under the stars
for Mom you are my true hero.
I love you Jill
This is my poem I wrote for you Mom.
Sent to Mom: 1997

This is what I wrote for my daughter Jill right before the funeral which I had a dear friend of mine who knew Jill and is a friend of our family to read at the funeral.

My Dearest Jill,  
     Raising you as my daughter took more than just years.  It took
understanding, laughter and tears.  But when I count all of the joys you
brought throughout the years, I know what a wonderful blessing you were.
You know how very much I loved you and how proud I was of the life you
were making, too.  But even more than your successes, I am so very proud
of the person you were inside.  Your kindness and goodness became a very
important part of your daily life.
     God must have had a special plan for you and me.  He must have
understood how very close we would be.  He not only made us both
accepting of each other's whims and ways; he gave us the compassion to
share our smiles and our tears.  He gave us the trust to be there
through the thick and thin, and the strength to calm our fears.  I miss
you....
     But I know God really will never leave me and you are on your
way to be with him.  He promised he would be with us and guide us
through it all as our family goes through this and we lay you down to
rest.  When I can no longer feel your presence and the road in front is
so rough, I'll need God walking beside me.  But you will always be in my
arms until it's my time to be with you. 
     I am thankful for each Moment I had with you, and I pray that
you will always know the love that flows from my heart for you is God's
special gift to me.


 All my love,

In Jesus' name    
 Mom  *click for larger photo

The emptiness in which I feel inside
has been there for such a long long time.
Yet it has only been nine months 
but you died so terribly young Jill.
What used to be pleasant dream and happy thoughts
today are few and seldom caught.
The passing days one by one
are days I wish not to have come.
Yet I am full of tomorrows 
a lot of pain a lot of sorrows.
It hasn't always been this bad
empty dreams has made me sad.
Loss of faith has left me so
and left me in a space so low.
Not a day goes by
where troubled thoughts will make me cry.
Its difficult to get a grip
and scares me like I might have flipped.
Being depressed and needing rest.
But with no sleep too many visions and so much fear, more than I really
care to share.
I wish not to see the sun again 
I'd like to put it to an end.
So I am leaving them and all my friends
to be in peace again with you Jill.  I miss you.

To: All viewers that may read this these are just feelings .  Feelings
are neither nor wrong or right it is what you do with them that matters.
There will be a poem following this one that has been written since this
one that I wrote after having the time to work through some of the grief.

Since You've Been Gone

I'm still missing you Jill
but you probably already know that.
Being apart from you isn't easy
it is so hard...
No matter what I am doing
I always want you to be there sharing
that time with me.
I miss talking about our ideas,
our dreams too.
Your dreams, I wanted to watch
them come true one by one.
All that I am left with is to
sit and wonder.
I just wanted to love you
for the rest of my life...
I still just don't want to believe it
that your phone calls won't be coming
the cards won't be sent
and the holidays will be spent without you.
But, yes it's time for me to
do what you would want me to...
to smile as I think of you
to let the nightmares go.
Remember the good memories
so that they will overcome some of the pain.
In doing so though
knowing it will never really go away.
Believing you are watching
over us who are here
as you are sitting in heaven up there.
Remembering the laughter
remembering the tears,
but believing in my heart
that you are really there...
In Gods arms safe and sound.
What I can do for you most
with you being there
and me being here 
is remember the most precious gift
in which with us you had shared..
That there is life after death 
to those whom believe
and you are already there.
And when it is our time 
we will together be a family again
just like we were when you were here.

(Note from Mom: Jill and I sang this all the time. This was our favorite song. Lyrics follow)

I pretend that I'm glad you went away
These four walls closin' more every day
and I'm dying inside
and nobody knows it but me
like a clown I put on a show
The pain is real even if nobody knows
and I'm cryin' inside
and nobody knows it but me
Why didn't I say
the things I needed to say
How could I let my angel get away
Now my world is just a tumblin' down
I can say it so clearly
but you're nowhere around
chorus
The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
and I just keep thikin' 'bout the love that we had
and I'm missin' you
and nobody knows it but me
I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
and I'm nobody without someone like you

I'm tremblin' inside and nobody knows it but me

I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night as if I thought
you'd hear meYeah my heart is callin' you
and nobody knows it but me
How blue can I get
You could ask my heart
but like a jigsaw puzzle it's been torn
all apart
A million words wouldn't say just how
I feel
A million years from now ya know
I'll be lovin' you still
chorus
Tomorrow mornin' I'm hittin' the
dusty road
gonna find you whereever, ever you
might go
I'm gonna unload my heart and hope
you come back to me
said when the nights are lonely...
chorus